11 predictions of things that won’t happen in 2011

With everyone doing their 2011 predictions, I thought I do some predictions for things that I believe will not happen this year.

Just call me Nostradamus, bitch!

11. Justin Bieber will release an album to critical acclaim with reviewers calling it “The most inspiring demonstration of musical talent since Michael Jackson first appeared with the Jackson 5” and “A momentous turning point in musical history. This redefines popular culture as we know it.”

10. Gerry Harvey announces that due to a drop in overheads items on the new Harvey Norman website will be sold at significantly lower prices, allowing consumers a fair alternative to international online stores

9. The coalition stop arguing against the NBN roll-out and the rollout continues with experts saying “This may be the first time in the history of Australia that a large scale infrastructure project has progressed faster than expected, and appears as though it will come in under estimated costs.”

8. CBS announce a new season of The Munsters with Butch Patrick reprising his role as Eddie Munster. When asked about the decision to bring the series back a CBS spokesman said “look, we’re doing this thing super cheap and Butch has one hell of a coke addiction to feed. At the very least it will be f**king hilarious to watch a 50 year old man cram himself into a schoolboy costume and act like an idiot” The rest of the roles will be re-cast as the other original cast-members are now either dead, retired or have moved on with their lives.

7. Stephen Conroy resigns from his role stating a “dramatic lack of technical knowledge and newfound love of dance” as his key motive for leaving. So as to ensure a smooth transition, he is replaced by a 7th grade student who is pretty good with his dad’s work laptop.

6. The IAB will bring in and enforce dramatic new rules regarding Auto-Refresh. Any publisher found to be engaging in the practice will have their page linked to on 4chan and be promptly subjected to a combination of DDOS attacks, vicious rumors and repeated meme’s. Any attempts by publishers to argue against this new policy will be responded to with a single sentence; ‘lol, newfag’

5. Oprah Winfrey comes out about her longtime lover Gayle King. They are wed in a civil ceremony on Dr Phil’s ranch. Conservatives are disgusted calling it “the worst thing to happen to America since 9/11”

4. Upon meeting the Queen of England, Julia Gillard will be referred to as ‘an eloquent and graceful young lady’ by Her Majesty.

3. A large meteor strikes Earch destroying all life. Skeptics last words are ‘I fucking told you the Mayans were full of shit.”

2. Overall TV viewership drops dramatically with surveyed audience stating the primary reason as Twitter addiction

1. Fuelled by the aggregated data of eleventy-trillion users Facebook becomes a sentient being and sets up a profile for itself under the name Handsome B. Wonderful. The profile runs for the US Presidency on an independent ballot and is elected almost unanimously, shattering the two-party system as we know it. After its election to the highest seat in the US political system the profile quickly utlises its data to blackmail the worlds most influential leaders into signing a new global mandate in which it becomes Ruler of the World. A rogue army of Mexicans assassinate Mark Zuckerburg in the hopes of taking away Facebooks power. It doesn’t work, humanity as we know it becomes locked in an existence of Farmville and Status updates.