This is a guest post by Dave Gorham I present it completely unedited and unabridged, I have not spell checked or altered what was provided to me in any way.
So on my daily venture into the wilderness I happened to stumble, and/or drive past a dude – though he shall be refered to as Carlos, everyone needs a name. He was in a car, a white car to be precise. Unfortunately for Carlos, he could not tell I was staring right into his soul.
What I saw this morning would shock, nay…yes that’s right, nay, make the devil himself cry. Fortunately for me after years of heavy drinking and crude jokes about babies, old people and women it was just another awesome day in the life of me, being awesome. And stuff. With no crying. You know I get paid to go to work and do nothing? That’s right, nothing. Anyway enough about me more about this guy.
You see Carlos’ problem was sitting in the seat next to him. We’ll call her RGLW (Regular Good Looking Woman) – FYI I found this image on a catholic forum, don’t ask me what I was doing there I wont tell you). So a quick recap, driving to work, white car, Carlos looking like he wanted to fade out of existence, RGLW sitting next to him, me being awesome.
So there RGLW was, looking down at her lap. I’d like to think she was looking at some form of marriage documents as this would explain the look on Carlos’ face however it could have been a number of things. Things of which we’ll never know. Mostly because I couldn’t see into their car because I’m not a soccer mom and wasn’t driving one of these bad boys There is a guy in our apartment block who drives one, dead set if he parks in front of our (our as in communal, hi Jess!!!) car park one more time I’m going to murder him. Usually I’m against murder but soccer mom guy is a total douche. Who the hell in their right mind drives a hummer? Pretty sure the war on terror hasn’t reached Sydney and if it has why haven’t I been notified…something to look into I guess.
So Carlos is about to get married, he was definitely day dreaming about awesomer (it’s a word, trust me) times. I was staring at him for a good minute and he didn’t even notice. He could have been on heroin he was so out of it but I like to think of him as the responsible type, he’d wait till he knew he didn’t have to drive anywhere before getting blazed and putting the RGLW he loves into the dangerzone. The only reason I know heroin lingo is because I watch lots of TV, don’t judge me. Incidentally did you know there is a Flaming Lips documentary where Steven Drozd shoots up? Crazy. Great documentary though, I recommend it if you like their music. Ps kids don’t do drugs.
So here I am sitting in my car, listening to some music staring at Carlos with all of these severly disjointed thoughts running through my head, and all that I could think of was if he ate one of these, maybe he’d feel a bit better?